It's been FOREVER...

That may be a bit mellow dramatic, but it seems that way doesn't it? I have been so caught up in my head lately that I haven't been able to think heads or tail of any one thing long enough to accomplish anything. That sentence in itself seems to further prove my point. So here I am, back again to ramble at you poor unsuspecting folks about the developments in my life. First off, me and Cancer are still at odds, but don't worry, I'm winning that fight. As for my long going struggle with insomnia, well let's just pretend I'm not writing this at two am shall we?

My daughter is still saving my life, and being all brilliant and what not. She's learning the word cheese. She is going to look me in the face and say 'cheese before she says 'Mama'. Which at this point is probably more accurate anyways. She seems completely attached to her father these days. I can't blame her though, he is wonderful. Quite honestly I believe that she has already made up her mind to be a daddy's girl. Not that I'm complaining. I've been on Everett's side all along.

My husband is working very hard day and night. Mostly the cause of my increased insomnia by the way. It's bizarre how attached you can get to such a silly routine like having someone sleep next to you. You're not even awake. Why do you care if you're sleeping next to them or not. Falling asleep is almost impossible though. It's as if I know I'll miss him even subconsciously so what's the point?

In other news, The period for entering the contest ended about a week ago now. It was very strange to wake up and not have a very specific reason to get on the computer. It had become such a habit for those almost fifty days. And now we're a mere two days away from them picking the winner! Supposedly they will wait until the twenty-fifth of June to bombard the winner with a camera crew, and balloons or whatever non-sense. Honestly I think the house, car,and cash are enough.

I've stayed very hopeful, and sincerely positive through this whole thing despite recent events in my life, and to be honest, no matter what the outcome... it's been wonderful having something to look forward to. Something to dream about. Something exciting, and life changing in a supremely positive way to focus my thoughts on. 

<3

And when everything is said and done, I will have my beautiful daughter Madison there to make everything better, to keep us moving forward, and to be so glad we're doing it. 

Forever and Always,

Hopeful Mother. Of. Madison.

Weeks, Days, Hours, Minutes.

Time. I've been trying to figure out a way to pass the time. Blogging, or writing. Even reading usually helps. But lately I can't think, breath, or comprehend, anything that isn't cancer.

To be honest I really don't want to talk about it, or write about it in this case. So lets talk about this another time. For now, let's discuss what's been keeping me sane during the few minutes, or hours of the day that I can think about anything else.

REDECORATING!

Turning that house from cold and modern to homey and romantic. It's a challenge I'm looking forward to. It's a challenge I keep hoping I get the opportunity to achieve.

I have an obsession with this new option for a pop of color in the downstairs. I know I wanted to highlight the neutrals more, the browns, tans, grays, beiges. My hope is to remove a large amount of the yellow, but still compliment it with other colors. This was the picture that first gave me inspiration.

I love the purple and dark pink.

I would love to bring more mirrors, and well, pretty shiny thing's into the space. I love the pops of pink, and the way they compliment the brighter shade of yellow, almost gold tones. I also love that the bright color was carried into the kitchen. I love the house, but I wont lie to you and say that it isn't to dark for me. Because it is. I love the layout and a lot of the large staple pieces in the home. But some of the darker more 'artistic pieces' in the home are the complete opposite of homey to me. 

I am such a cheese ball romantic at heart that I could never live in a home that I couldn't see myself growing old in, being in love in. Falling in love again everyday with my family. I want to walk into my home, to see my home, and feel the way I feel when I look at my daughter. To feel the love and excitement I feel every time she laughs, smiles, or reaches her precious little hands out for mine. 

So to do that, I have been looking for things that when I see them, they make me smile, or make me think of my husband and things we've done together. Things I think my daughter will like, things she'll grow up with that as an adult will distinctively remind her of home, and hopefully her mommy and daddy.

I love this lighting fixture.

It's unique and beautiful at the same time. It's not a chandelier, but it's still beautiful, and says patience and care to me. It's homey, and I love it.

I loved that these double with shelves underneath.

I love the idea of the grey neutral side tables, because I love white accessories, next to bright colors that pop.

Nothing is cuter to me than birds, specifically owls. 

I also decided that the big part of the color scheme in the house has a lot to do with the modern artwork, which, for lack of a better word is gross. OK, that's a little harsh. It's just not my style. So I've picked out some organic, romantic pieces that make me happy.

I love these colors.

I would love them in the living room.

I'm considering these for the dining room.

These say so homey, and earthy to me.

Besides the things I've shown you today, I've also collected a lot of fabric samples, and throw pillows. But we will save those for another day. Wouldn't want to run out of things to write about next time. 

Thank you to everyone that has stuck with me, and all the kind e-mails. I'm sorry for the lapses in my writing, but things has been busy. Hopefully everything will turn out exactly like we've wished.

Until Then and Always,

Hopeful Mother. Of. Madison.

Naysayers Beware!

I decided yesterday that I am not going to jump to any negative conclusions about my future. The biggest stress on my mind over the last week has been the possibility of losing my uterus. True I've already had a baby, and with my current health situation my husband and I have decided that we aren't going to have anymore kids. None of these decisions however make me feel anymore comfortable with the idea of living without my uterus.

Since the circumstances surrounding that surgery are almost completely out of my hands, I've decided that I can't allow worrying about it to take over my life.

So I've allowed myself to get wrapped up in all the positive things in my life right now. Like my beautiful daughter who seems to be growing faster than ever. And who's new favorite word it Uh-Oh. It's her only word so far, but it's still the most incredible sound I've ever heard.

I've also allowed myself to get back into the hopeful mind set I'd had before things took a turn for the unexpected. I can remember how I felt when I first allowed myself to hope for the best, and I'm trying to get that feeling back. I've been staring at the photos of the Stapleton home, and imagining what it will be like to raise my daughter in it, to grow old in it.

Those thoughts still make me smile. They still make me feel like anything is possible, and that because we want it badly enough, we will one day have it. That one day we will be sitting on the front porch together discussing my amazing recovery. Celebrating my birthday's year after year, dining with family and friends.

I know over the years the inside of the house will be unrecognizable by those who designed the original, but I am looking forward to that transition most. Turning the house into a home. My style and my husbands coming together to create a space all our own.

I can't stand the art work over the fireplace...Solution ^

There's absolutely no romance in the house, which is a must for a softy like me. 

I love this chair as a replacement in the dining room, different fabric an finish, but love the shape. 

I love this fabric, neutral colors in whimsical patterns say romance to me. 

I love earthy organic looking patterns as well.

I love this wooden coffee table for the living room, but...

I love the black finish as well. 

All of these things are simple changes, simple fixes that will make the space mine. So now I just hope that the treatments that are required to return me to my full health and secure the long life I am hoping to live with my husband and daughter and as simple, and fix me without incident.

Until Then and Always,

Hopeful Mother. Of. Madison.

Rolling In The Deep

A close family friend of mine told me, that if I am to leave this world behind, I should leave every bit of me. I should leave everything that I know to be true about myself and this world behind. As I see it, no one has ever, or will ever see the world the way I've seen it. They will never experience the people, the love, or the anecdotal life lessons the way I have.

So today I am feeling loved. And I wanted to share that with you. Today is Mother's Day and today I was celebrated. Today my family and friends told me how much they loved and appreciated me, how proud they are of me. My wonderful husband told me how much I mean to him, and how thankful he is that I gave him our beautiful baby girl. That I made him a daddy. 

While my family celebrated my motherhood, I took the time to reflect on the life I had created. I celebrated my daughter, Madison Paige Spirit. The reason for everyone's feelings of affection, and gratitude towards me today. I know that I wouldn't be here today if it wasn't for my amazing daughter, and that through everything it's her that deserves the praise. I may be her mother, but she is my hero.

The last few days that I haven't been blogging, I've been spending a lot of time thinking about the future,and what it means to me. I no longer see the future as something fleeting, and out of my reach. I know now that no matter what happens to me, a future exists for my daughter,and therefor a piece of me. The most important piece. So despite my ornery attitude, and the my lack of positive inspiration, and I haven't forgotten about Madi's room.

I haven't forgotten about the house, I want to make her home. I still hope with every fiber of my being that one day she will have all of the things I have ever wanted for her. That the future I've imagined for her, for us, will come to fruition.

Until Then and Always,
Hopeful Mother. Of. Madison.
Brianna Hope Spirit

P.S.
It's official I received my new license with my new name today. I am my husbands wife. <3

P.P.S.
Enjoy with me...
http://youtu.be/rYEDA3JcQqw

Devastating News, Hopeful Prospects

I went to the doctors today, and was given some unfortunate news. After my check up, my doctor informed me that my uterus is swollen on one side again. Which means this tumor is malignant and that I will need Chemotherapy for the next twelve months and surgery again to remove the mass. I knew that there was a possibility that the cancer would come back. I guess I just hadn't really considered it because I thought I was feeling better.

I'm sorry, but I don't really have anything else to say right now. I feel so disconnected from myself, I'm not even sure what's really going on.

Please keep my family and I in your thoughts, and never lose hope.

Forever and Always,
Bri

What The Future Holds

Today I received some very kind e-mails regarding my blog, and some other writing hobbies of mine that I've taken on, and I just wanted to say thank you so much for all of the kind words. An especial thank you for the motivational e-mail regarding my future. 

I have been out of school now for almost two years and it's been very hard. I've taken some online courses, but the truth is that my educational goals have begun to seem farther and farther out of my reach each day that passes. I loved going to school, I loved what I was going to school for (English Literature). I loved the feeling of accomplishment I got at completing each semester. I miss that feeling. 

Being a mother has been a huge part of my emotional and educational growth over the last two years, and I've loved every part of it. My daughter is such a huge part of who I am, and she has taught me so much. She's even saved my life. And to repay her, I feel that it is my responsibility to be the mother she would want me to be.

Inspiration

I want to set an example for my daughter. I don't just want her to love me, and look up to me just because I'm her mother. I want her to be proud of me. I want her to aspire to any and everything she wants out of life, and to know it's possible because her mother did it too. I want her to live without fear, to live for hope. To know that the future is never scary, but always bright. Because no matter what life hands you; Your life is your own, and you have the power to make it as adventurous and beautiful as your heart desires. 

I want her to know it's all up to her.

I've already completed enough schooling to know that it's not impossible, or even outrageous. It's just a matter of discipline and strength. It's wanting it enough that you'll stop at nothing, let nothing get in your way. That's what I've done over the last two years, made excuses. Been pregnant, had a new born, worked, been ill (LOL). Now there are no more excuses. My daughter has taught me that. 

The future doesn't wait for you to make up your mind. It comes and goes every single day. Before you know it you have a past full of what if's and I bet I could have's. That's not the life for me. That's not the world I want to tell my daughter about, or introduce her to. I want her to know that she has all the possibilities of the universe at her feet, just waiting for to reach out and choose them. I want to teach her it will always be her choice, her life, her choices. And hopefully if I set the right example they will all be good choices. 

So I'm gonna get back on track, and keep moving forward. With the hope that all my efforts will not be for nothing. That life will go on and things will get better. We will get our home, and start our futures. I can be the wife and mother I've always wanted to be. And the educated, intelligent young woman I always knew I would be. So that my daughter can grow up and lead a life that would make her proud, just like her mother did for her. 

Until Then and Always,

Hopeful Mother. Of. Madison.

From Humble Beginnings

I feel a different vibe today then I've felt in a while. I feel like I'm back in story telling mode. But what story is there left to tell? I guess we could go all the way back to before I was born. I can tell you about my father this time. After all, at twenty-three years old I'm still daddy's little girl. 

My father and I this last Easter.

My father was born in upstate New York in 1961, to a beautiful woman named Barbara. His father left immediately after he was born. They never met. His mother remarried and provided my father with five siblings. Raymond, Jaime, Deanna, Jared, and Justin. I don't know much about my father's childhood. He's told me a few stories about all the sports he played, and some of the shenanigans his friends and him would get into. The things I remember the most though are the stories about his step father beating him so badly with a belt that his basketball coach wouldn't let him dress out. Sleeping in a room during the freezing months of winter with a broken window.

He used to tell me stories of when times were hard. His mother would make them pancakes for breakfast and dinner for weeks at a time. Or potatoes. Oh how easily a man could sick of potatoes. He used to run through the neighboring fields of the farmers and steal corn off the stalks when he was hungry. He'd sneak out at night then come home and boil a dozen of them and eat them all. These are the stories of his childhood I know best.

I know that by the time he turned eighteen and was off to join the navy, his sister Deanna was the youngest and last of his siblings to be born before he left. My father was stationed in San Diego shortly after he joined. He served his four years, and then went on to work a series of odd jobs. My father has always been a great cook, and he worked in several restaurants in his younger years. That is how he met my mother, Dana. She was a waitress. Neither one of my parents have given me insight into the beginning years of there relationship. All I know is that one night, my parents decided they wanted to make a baby. Nine moths later, I was born. 

Now you may think that from here the story will become about me, but that is not case. My father and mother split up shortly after I was born. Then due to my mothers drug habits and my fathers instability, I was placed into foster care. My father was unable to find a sturdy job. Which also affected his ability to find a suitable home. He worked as many odd jobs as he could find, mostly things like painting houses or apartments. 

He owned a green station wagon at the time, which he lived out of while he was trying to make due. Once my father had gotten situated and had proven that he had a safe place for us to stay, social services called him and told him that he could come get me from the facility where I had been staying. (Apparently I wasn't well liked by any of my foster parents and was moved around quite a bit.)

My father has told me this story time and time again, I'm sure I wont be able to capture the frustration, and urgency as well as he does. But it's a worth the try. My father arrived at the facility and they told him that I wasn't ready yet that he would have to wait.My father said he could see me through the thick pained glass talking to social workers. Finally a woman came out to speak to my father. She told him that there had been a mistake and that he wouldn't be able to take me home that day. My father was livid. After the woman left he demanded to see me. They denied him, so he started pounding on the glass, and demanding to speak to somebody. My father was so upset, the glass started to shake and crack. 

The woman finally brought me out to my father. Who then left in a hurry to get me home. He said he didn't want to hang around and risk them trying to take me away again. I was to young to remember any of this. But I do have some memories of the life we lived together after this, before he remarried. I remember some of the apartments we lived in, in El Cajon, and La Mesa. I vaguely remember his ex-wife Teresa, whom he was married to for a year. She was my mother for all intensive purposes during that time. She taught me my colors, potty trained me. She was a very kind women. Her mother Rose stayed my Grandma rose through out my life. Despite there separation when I was a little over three. Teresa had a heart attack and thirty-five and passed away.

I remember the pre school I went to across the street from one of our apartments. I mostly remember the good times, when things were easy. When it was just me and my dad. I know he had girlfriends that didn't work out. And I know that there were times when things were hard. When we had to sleep in his green station wagon, and lived off of forty two cent Tuesday Mc Donald's cheeseburgers. But my father was a good man, doing the very best he could do. 

A few years back, before I was even born. When my father had been working as a cook for Marie Calendars, he met a women named Shelley Allen. They had stayed friends throughout the years. She even baby sat me for my father when he worked. When she found out that we were living out of my fathers car, she offered to put a roof over my head while my father found better work. 

Eventually my father moved in as well, no funny business. They were just friends and Shelley was helping out a friend in need. Eventually though, things changed and they started dating. My father and I lived with them for a few years, and when I was eight years old they got married. My father has worked hard his entire life. Sacrificing his own time, money, health, and I suspect love to make sure I was happy. To provide me with the life that he never had. To make sure I never went with out. 

To this day I still don't think I can grasp the full gravity of the sacrifices that he made for me. But now that I have a daughter, I like to think I can relate in some small way. I like to believe that if I were ever in his position I would make the same sacrifices for Madison. Some of which I already know I have. Because I love her more than anything in the world. I love her like my father loved me. His baby girl. 

Forever and Always,

Hopeful Mother. Of. Madison.