Tired Mommy Needs a Break

Good Evening folks, Today has been an incredibly long day. Last night was even longer. Mommy needs a break.

So tonight all I have to say is, Let's stay HOPEFUL!

Let's not forget that the reason...

My husband literally just called me to tell me that the clutch went out on our car.

GGGGRRRRRRRR........

Now I really need the favor I was going to ask you all for. Please stay HOPEFUL. Please help me keep positive and keep the feeling of victory alive. Right now we need it more than ever. We need this June to be the winning month for our family that will pull us out of this desperation, and into a new life.

Until Then and Always,
Hopeful Mother. Of. Madison.

Through a Child's Eyes

Madison and I just finished watching Beauty and the Beast and it reminded me of how easily we accept good things when we are children. We always hoped for the best, and even when something seemed far fetched, as long as it had a happy ending I was willing to believe. I remember I spent a entire summer in elementary school believing that if I wished hard enough I could be chosen to become a super hero, or a princess, anything with magical, or super human abilities really.

Princess, super hero, bad-ass, and she had a B.F that always wears Tuxedos. Win win win.

It wasn't until I got older that I started to believe you shouldn't want things that weren't guaranteed. That bad things were more likely to happen than good. It wasn't until I became an adult that I started thinking the bad things were easier to accept than the good.

The saying 'It's too good to be true.' never even crossed my mind as a child. If something seemed amazing and wonderful, and would bring myself or other people happiness why couldn't it happen? Sure part of this behavior could be contributed to the fact that I was a Disney child. But that doesn't change the fact that as children we believe in all possibilities of the world, in all the good. Somewhere along the way we loose that. We become cynical  Some may say realistic. But realistically speaking, all of the dreams we let go of as adults, aren't impossible. We were just too afraid to put our selves out there and go for it.

One of my biggest goals in life will be too assure Madison that she is wonderful, and amazing, and she can have whatever she is willing to work for.

Madison already loves to dace, I wonder if she will stick with it. <3

Hopefully that point will be easy to instill in her because her father and I will be happy, comfortable and dedicating more time to the growth and accomplishments of our daughter, then stressing about paying the bills, or making due.

Hopefully come June we will have a home. In a beautiful community where we can raise our daughter with all of these important life lessons, and many more.

Until Then and Always,
Hopeful Mother. Of. Madison.

A Real Kind Of Hope

Today was another testament to the stresses and hardships a young family will face along the road to fulfillment. But I couldn't be prouder of the outcome. I know that no matter what my family is faced with we will rise above, and overcome. Whether it be disease or financial hardship. We will make it through.

Nobody is perfect, and me and my husband have both certainly made mistakes in our lives. But one thing that we can do in our sleep. is be parents. We love our daughter more than anything in the world. And I know that we will always put her before ourselves. That no matter what happens, her happiness and growth are the most important things to us.

That giving her the things both of us were denied in our childhood, is more important to us than anything. Because Everett and I were lucky enough to find each other. To find people that love each other, and that know without a doubt in our hearts that we will always be there for each other. So the obvious next accomplishment in our lives, will be to give our daughter all the love, and acceptance we have in our hearts. To assure she is happy and loved.

Providing her with a safe and secure place to grow and expand upon these feelings is so important to the both of us. I know I must sound like a broken record by now. But the reasoning behind my utter confidence is nothing but truth. My daughter is the deserving party here, not me, not my husband. Madison. She is a sweet innocent child. Who has saved both of her parents lives time and time again. She deserves the most amazing childhood.

Madison's future room.

This is the place my heart see's her growing up in. This is the room I see my daughter dancing in, playing with he Barbie dolls in. Having sleep overs with the neighbor children.

A different view.

These are the steps I imagine my daughter playing hopscotch on. The stone steps I can see riddled with her chalk artwork. 

Such a sweet little room.

This is the room I can picture my daughter cleaning up for bed in. Brushing her teeth. Taking bubble bathes. Asking me to help her brush out her hair. Or perhaps braid it. 

All of these things are nothing but dreams and hopes now. But soon they will be realities. It will be the life my husband, daughter and I are living each and every day. And I will at last be satisfied that I am giving my daughter the life that she truly deserves. 

Until Then and Always,

Hopeful Mother. Of. Madison.

Once Upon A Time...

A fairy tale ending. Every girls dream. I have the husband, I have the baby, now all we need is the castle in which we will reside.

Spirit Castle. Where princess Madison will grow up.

Kind of looks like a castle at night...a modern castle? Hahaha

I'm all Disney'd out today. Not only have my daughter and I been watching Disney movies, but in between and afterwards we were listening to Disney songs. 

Mommy then however made the mistake of picking out a horror movie about a demon baby to watch while Madison was napping. Do not ever watch It's Alive...Or Gracie. For the love of god,  I only further scarred myself. 

Seriously Scarred me for life...

So why I was then willing to watch this...

I swear to you, I will never know.

There's something about horror movies though. You know that they're not real, and for some reason all the terrible things that happen sort of just make you feel better about your life, Because none of them are happening to me, and the more supernatural you get, the easier it is to separate fiction from reality.

I love horror movies, but now that I am a mother there are just some things I can't handle. Like demon babies, or kidnappings, rapes, torture. Do you see a theme here? Do you understand how many horror movies that cuts out for me.

But..being a mother, I understand why I feel that way. It's one thing to have no self preservation. I can not however ignore the fact that if anything even remotely evil or harmful touched my daughter, I would lose it. 

I also am now hypocritical in the since that, as a child I started watching horror movies as early back as I can remember. My daughter however will not be subjected to these things until see's old enough to understand it for what it is, and decide if she even wants to fill her brain with those images. There are just some things you can't  unsee.

Speaking of which, let's move on to more positive outlooks. Like today, I went to the DMV to apply for my new DL with my new married name on it. I can not wait to have a picture I.D. with my new name on it. I haven't really felt like we were married, a real husband wife yet. What with all the stress we've had in our lives lately. But seeing that picture of me, with his name under it. It will feel official. More official to me.

Then hopefully the next step, us getting a home together. Will be the final. We will finally be able to feel like a real married couple, and a happy safe little family. Where mommy can curl up in daddies arms, in there own room where Madi can't see, and watch the few scary movies left that in the world, that I can stand to watch. 

Until Then and Always,
Hopeful Mother. Of. Madison.

Music Makes The World Go Round

Optimism. Nothing helps me stay optimistic like music.

Pessimism. Nothing can bring you down quite like music.

I'm not really sure why it effects people so much. But one Song, one really amazing song can completely alter your mood intensely. Can bring you out of one mind set, and straight into another. I'm usually grateful for this escape from whatever is haunting me, but lately it's not the distraction I'm looking for. 

As I mentioned yesterday, Defying Gravity has been a big help in keeping my spirits and hopes high. But the days are long, and the weeks are even longer. I still have no doubt that my family will be happily situated in our new home come late June. But what am I supposed to until then. 

It's almost becoming depressing to go to bed every night. To look around and feel stuck. To feel like this is all there will ever be.

But then I remember that as long as I have my little family, my sweet amazing husband, and my beautiful daughter  nothing else matters. Because it would mean nothing without them.

This little angel

and this room.

Are the reasons for all of my hopes and dreams. So no matter how stressed I get, or how bad my brain hurts. This is what's important. This is what really matters.

So I apologize if I don't seem coherent lately. If you aren't finding entertainment in my words. I don't mean to be boring you. But the reality of life is that it's not easy. And it's not always happy, or entertaining. It's hard work. It's off putting, and sometimes it fucking sucks the life right out of you.

And the little bit of it I have left lately is going to this...

To our future.

To my daughter. To my responsibilities. To the life I'm living now.

Because soon my future will be the present, and then the past. And my past could use some happiness. 

Until Then and Always,

Hopeful Mother. Of. Madison.

Dedicated To Dana Suzanne Littlefield

I love you, your daughter needs you, and misses you very much. 

Love, Bri

Broken Brain

Today is one of those days when I really wish the master bathroom had a bathtub!

you have to love the beautiful coloring!

Oh who am I kidding. Us ladies need a tub. Sure there's a tub in the guest bathroom for me to give Madi bathes in. But where's mommies place to relax? I'll just have to make due with one of the other gorgeous rooms in the house. Perhaps I'll take time to breath in the walk-in closet. Especially after I fill it with lots, and lots of shoes. 

It's back there...

To be completely honest. My brain has been fried all week. I've had so much going on in my life outside of my hopes and dreams, the things that I really want in life that when I try to focus on them. My brain hurts. Migraine medication can only do so much when you're thinking for three people. 

I can't wait to have the stress lifted off my shoulders in one instance of our stressful lives. Nothing stresses out a mother more, then whether or not her child is going to go with out, in any capacity. 

And what's the worse thing a child can go without? A home. So many things are strongly integrated into a child's mind at an early age when they have a safe, secure, loving home to grow up in. My daughter deserves the best that there is in the world. 

My biggest fear is not being able to give her everything that she needs. Everything that I never had. And even some of the things I did. 

I don't really know what to say from here. My brain is mush, and all this talk about the things I may not ever be able to give my daughter is turning my week from bad to worse. 

All I know is that this house is for us, and my family will finally have at least this semblance of normalcy. This security. I owe her that much after everything she has given to me. I love her more than anything. 

I don't know if any of you have ever seen Wicked. But my anthem for this week, and for the rest of my daughters life, is Defying Gravity. 

Something has changed within me 
Something is not the same 
I'm through with playing by the rules 
Of someone else's game 
Too late for second-guessing 
Too late to go back to sleep 
It's time to trust my instincts 
Close my eyes: and leap! 

It's time to try 
Defying gravity 
I think I'll try 
Defying gravity 
And you can't pull me down! 

Until Then And Always,

Hopeful Mother. Of. Madison.

A Dream Is A Wish Your Heart Makes

Oh the day I've had. First my poor daughter wakes up and does nothing but stare at the television for three hours. At first I didn't think anything was wrong. I was making breakfast and my husband was still asleep, I thought she was just tired. Maybe even bored. Kids these days. Besides Disney Channel morning programming always hooks her in. But when I went over to pick her up she was burning up. Poor baby has had a fever of 101.1-102.7 for the better part of the day. She's cooled down, and was feeling better by the time we got her to bed. But it's stressful none the less.

No mother likes to see her baby suffering. A mother suffers along side her children.

Now that I can actually think about something other than my making sure my beautiful baby girl is healthy and happy. It's time to share with you my other thoughts.

Belief. The last couple of days I've been having an internal battle about the differences between hope, and belief. I realized that although I am hoping with every fiber of my being that my wonderful little family will win our green home, I didn't know if I've actually been believing that Hope will be enough.

I realized that there can't be hope without belief. Or faith. That's what I need to have right now, enough Hope, and Faith in my heart that we are good enough. That the universe see's what I see. A wonderful, happy little family. Who haven't always seen the easiest of days, or been able to see a clear bright future without illness or suffering. A family who's ready to take the next step.

Every morning when I wake up I can't help but imagine a different scene. I can see it so clearly in my mind when  I go to sleep every night. It's almost off putting when I wake up in my same bed, in our little room every morning. But then I walk over to my daughters crib, and remember that's it all in good time. That there's something more meant for her. She's so amazing , and so strong. She doesn't even know it yet.

She can't quite comprehend how important to me she is. How many times she's saved my life. How many times she's taught me how to love, and forgive. Again and again my sweet bundle of joy teaches me what it means to live.

I swear with every fiber in my being that she will know these things. That she will know how amazing she is, and that without her our little family wouldn't exist. That without her, this dream would never have a chance of becoming a reality.

My husband and I fall asleep every night with images of open spaces, with rocky mountain views. Plush moss carpeting, and Organic bedding. Natural wood fixtures, and industrial accents. The things that have made us fall in love with the Master Bedroom of our future home.

SO very us!

The place where soon we will be sharing new dreams. Planning new futures, and hopefully where we will be growing blissfully old and more in love each day together.

The natural wood headboard makes me feel like I'd me camping year round. 

A place to finally call our own. Where we can shut ourselves away for brief instances. To really feel like a married couple. 

I can't wait to snuggle with my little family in this big bed. <3

A place where our daughter can come knocking on the door. Wanting to snuggle with her parents in the early hours of the morning. Or maybe late at night during a loud snow storm. Whatever her little heart desires. 

I just want to start feeling like a real family, I fee like we are in limbo, with all these uncertainties hanging over our heads. It's time we had some security. Some semblance of normalcy. If not for my husband and I, at least for our wonderful baby girl. It's time she had a home. A place for her family to really BE together. It's time.

Until Then and Always,

Hopeful Mother. Of. Madison.