Darkest Before the Dawn

For the LOVE of all that is holy and righteous! It is too early for this. There are still 43 days left in the sweepstakes, I am not ready for it to be getting this dark. Not only is the 'White Demon' acting up again, but it looks like the 'C' word just can't leave me and my family alone. Let me go back to the beginning of my day for you.

My day started like every other day lately, hubby got up and went to work, I spent the majority of the day playing with my daughter or staring at our future home via photos on HGTV.com. My husband and I went to dinner with some dear friends of ours for Taco Tuesday. As we were leaving the restaurant, the 'White Demon' decided she wasn't going to start right away. Luckily my husband got it to start without much trouble...but with the car not passing SMOG last week, and leaking all that gas on me that other night. Things are staring to look a little darker, and we are NOT prepared.

To put the icing on the cake for my own personal stress levels today. My father called me after I woke up from a migraine induced nap, to tell me that my grandmother Jeanie, my deceased mothers mother. Has been diagnosed with cancer, and I need to call her because she is most likely not going to survive the year. Now, you must think me a terrible person that my first thought, was I have no chance of making it past thirty. I've already had cancer, I'm twenty three. My father's mother has had breast cancer twice, and now this. I'm doomed.

I would normally go into great detail here. But I've decided that it isn't my past to tell, so all I'll say is that my mother was a beautiful women who didn't have the easiest childhood, or any childhood for that matter, and that women is to blame. So I'm sorry if I... you know what. No, I'm not sorry that I don't feel worse for her, than I do thinking about the fact that I might one day have to leave my daughter behind, far sooner then any mother should. I will feel bad for the rest of my family, it is hanging on by a very thin, effed up thread as it is. But my sympathy ends there. My mother might still be alive if that women would had been half the mother that I am. And my life hasn't been easier, I could have made all the wrong choices. But it's not about 'you' anymore once you have a baby. It's about that little life that is completely dependent on you. And that is all that matters from that moment on.

From this moment on, NOTHING else mattered.

UGH, I feel like this is all just leading up to something incredible. It HAS to be. IT HAS TO BE! If the universe is not an evil spinster set out to destroy me, then this is what it has in store for my family and I...

Plus a $100,000 cash prize...

How many tragedies does one person have to live through before they're worth something? How many times do I have to be told no, before somebody is going to tell me yes? How hard does a mother have to work to do the right thing before the right thing stops trying to avoid her family like the plague?

My name keeps getting pulled out of the shit lottery hat, and it's time for that to change. I'm not going anywhere without a fight, and I'm going to give my daughter a better start. She's going to grow up, safe, loved, and without any knowledge of the horrors that I've been faced with time and time again. 

A blessing I will NEVER take for granted...

So tonight my blog is a message. A message to the Universe, and to anyone and everyone willing to hope.

This is the end of this life for us. I don't care how hard I have to work, pray, hope, or fight. My daughter is to special to be looked over. My family deserves so much BETTER!

You hear that UNIVERSE?!

So ladies and gentleman, let's overlook all this bullshit, keep hoping for the absolute best. And if we're really lucky, which I know us to be due for a LOT of. By the time I post my blogs after June 2nd, they'll all include a picture of me sitting out on the front porch with my family, a bottle of wine, and smile. Maybe a few tears, as long as they're of happiness. 

That's a future I could get used to.

Until Then And Always,

Hopeful Mother. Of. Madison.

P.S

A special shout out to my buffalo for all the LOVE and support! You're an amazing friend, and that guest room better get some use out of it by YOU! <3