It's been FOREVER...

That may be a bit mellow dramatic, but it seems that way doesn't it? I have been so caught up in my head lately that I haven't been able to think heads or tail of any one thing long enough to accomplish anything. That sentence in itself seems to further prove my point. So here I am, back again to ramble at you poor unsuspecting folks about the developments in my life. First off, me and Cancer are still at odds, but don't worry, I'm winning that fight. As for my long going struggle with insomnia, well let's just pretend I'm not writing this at two am shall we?

My daughter is still saving my life, and being all brilliant and what not. She's learning the word cheese. She is going to look me in the face and say 'cheese before she says 'Mama'. Which at this point is probably more accurate anyways. She seems completely attached to her father these days. I can't blame her though, he is wonderful. Quite honestly I believe that she has already made up her mind to be a daddy's girl. Not that I'm complaining. I've been on Everett's side all along.

My husband is working very hard day and night. Mostly the cause of my increased insomnia by the way. It's bizarre how attached you can get to such a silly routine like having someone sleep next to you. You're not even awake. Why do you care if you're sleeping next to them or not. Falling asleep is almost impossible though. It's as if I know I'll miss him even subconsciously so what's the point?

In other news, The period for entering the contest ended about a week ago now. It was very strange to wake up and not have a very specific reason to get on the computer. It had become such a habit for those almost fifty days. And now we're a mere two days away from them picking the winner! Supposedly they will wait until the twenty-fifth of June to bombard the winner with a camera crew, and balloons or whatever non-sense. Honestly I think the house, car,and cash are enough.

I've stayed very hopeful, and sincerely positive through this whole thing despite recent events in my life, and to be honest, no matter what the outcome... it's been wonderful having something to look forward to. Something to dream about. Something exciting, and life changing in a supremely positive way to focus my thoughts on. 

<3

And when everything is said and done, I will have my beautiful daughter Madison there to make everything better, to keep us moving forward, and to be so glad we're doing it. 

Forever and Always,

Hopeful Mother. Of. Madison.

Weeks, Days, Hours, Minutes.

Time. I've been trying to figure out a way to pass the time. Blogging, or writing. Even reading usually helps. But lately I can't think, breath, or comprehend, anything that isn't cancer.

To be honest I really don't want to talk about it, or write about it in this case. So lets talk about this another time. For now, let's discuss what's been keeping me sane during the few minutes, or hours of the day that I can think about anything else.

REDECORATING!

Turning that house from cold and modern to homey and romantic. It's a challenge I'm looking forward to. It's a challenge I keep hoping I get the opportunity to achieve.

I have an obsession with this new option for a pop of color in the downstairs. I know I wanted to highlight the neutrals more, the browns, tans, grays, beiges. My hope is to remove a large amount of the yellow, but still compliment it with other colors. This was the picture that first gave me inspiration.

I love the purple and dark pink.

I would love to bring more mirrors, and well, pretty shiny thing's into the space. I love the pops of pink, and the way they compliment the brighter shade of yellow, almost gold tones. I also love that the bright color was carried into the kitchen. I love the house, but I wont lie to you and say that it isn't to dark for me. Because it is. I love the layout and a lot of the large staple pieces in the home. But some of the darker more 'artistic pieces' in the home are the complete opposite of homey to me. 

I am such a cheese ball romantic at heart that I could never live in a home that I couldn't see myself growing old in, being in love in. Falling in love again everyday with my family. I want to walk into my home, to see my home, and feel the way I feel when I look at my daughter. To feel the love and excitement I feel every time she laughs, smiles, or reaches her precious little hands out for mine. 

So to do that, I have been looking for things that when I see them, they make me smile, or make me think of my husband and things we've done together. Things I think my daughter will like, things she'll grow up with that as an adult will distinctively remind her of home, and hopefully her mommy and daddy.

I love this lighting fixture.

It's unique and beautiful at the same time. It's not a chandelier, but it's still beautiful, and says patience and care to me. It's homey, and I love it.

I loved that these double with shelves underneath.

I love the idea of the grey neutral side tables, because I love white accessories, next to bright colors that pop.

Nothing is cuter to me than birds, specifically owls. 

I also decided that the big part of the color scheme in the house has a lot to do with the modern artwork, which, for lack of a better word is gross. OK, that's a little harsh. It's just not my style. So I've picked out some organic, romantic pieces that make me happy.

I love these colors.

I would love them in the living room.

I'm considering these for the dining room.

These say so homey, and earthy to me.

Besides the things I've shown you today, I've also collected a lot of fabric samples, and throw pillows. But we will save those for another day. Wouldn't want to run out of things to write about next time. 

Thank you to everyone that has stuck with me, and all the kind e-mails. I'm sorry for the lapses in my writing, but things has been busy. Hopefully everything will turn out exactly like we've wished.

Until Then and Always,

Hopeful Mother. Of. Madison.

Naysayers Beware!

I decided yesterday that I am not going to jump to any negative conclusions about my future. The biggest stress on my mind over the last week has been the possibility of losing my uterus. True I've already had a baby, and with my current health situation my husband and I have decided that we aren't going to have anymore kids. None of these decisions however make me feel anymore comfortable with the idea of living without my uterus.

Since the circumstances surrounding that surgery are almost completely out of my hands, I've decided that I can't allow worrying about it to take over my life.

So I've allowed myself to get wrapped up in all the positive things in my life right now. Like my beautiful daughter who seems to be growing faster than ever. And who's new favorite word it Uh-Oh. It's her only word so far, but it's still the most incredible sound I've ever heard.

I've also allowed myself to get back into the hopeful mind set I'd had before things took a turn for the unexpected. I can remember how I felt when I first allowed myself to hope for the best, and I'm trying to get that feeling back. I've been staring at the photos of the Stapleton home, and imagining what it will be like to raise my daughter in it, to grow old in it.

Those thoughts still make me smile. They still make me feel like anything is possible, and that because we want it badly enough, we will one day have it. That one day we will be sitting on the front porch together discussing my amazing recovery. Celebrating my birthday's year after year, dining with family and friends.

I know over the years the inside of the house will be unrecognizable by those who designed the original, but I am looking forward to that transition most. Turning the house into a home. My style and my husbands coming together to create a space all our own.

I can't stand the art work over the fireplace...Solution ^

There's absolutely no romance in the house, which is a must for a softy like me. 

I love this chair as a replacement in the dining room, different fabric an finish, but love the shape. 

I love this fabric, neutral colors in whimsical patterns say romance to me. 

I love earthy organic looking patterns as well.

I love this wooden coffee table for the living room, but...

I love the black finish as well. 

All of these things are simple changes, simple fixes that will make the space mine. So now I just hope that the treatments that are required to return me to my full health and secure the long life I am hoping to live with my husband and daughter and as simple, and fix me without incident.

Until Then and Always,

Hopeful Mother. Of. Madison.

Rolling In The Deep

A close family friend of mine told me, that if I am to leave this world behind, I should leave every bit of me. I should leave everything that I know to be true about myself and this world behind. As I see it, no one has ever, or will ever see the world the way I've seen it. They will never experience the people, the love, or the anecdotal life lessons the way I have.

So today I am feeling loved. And I wanted to share that with you. Today is Mother's Day and today I was celebrated. Today my family and friends told me how much they loved and appreciated me, how proud they are of me. My wonderful husband told me how much I mean to him, and how thankful he is that I gave him our beautiful baby girl. That I made him a daddy. 

While my family celebrated my motherhood, I took the time to reflect on the life I had created. I celebrated my daughter, Madison Paige Spirit. The reason for everyone's feelings of affection, and gratitude towards me today. I know that I wouldn't be here today if it wasn't for my amazing daughter, and that through everything it's her that deserves the praise. I may be her mother, but she is my hero.

The last few days that I haven't been blogging, I've been spending a lot of time thinking about the future,and what it means to me. I no longer see the future as something fleeting, and out of my reach. I know now that no matter what happens to me, a future exists for my daughter,and therefor a piece of me. The most important piece. So despite my ornery attitude, and the my lack of positive inspiration, and I haven't forgotten about Madi's room.

I haven't forgotten about the house, I want to make her home. I still hope with every fiber of my being that one day she will have all of the things I have ever wanted for her. That the future I've imagined for her, for us, will come to fruition.

Until Then and Always,
Hopeful Mother. Of. Madison.
Brianna Hope Spirit

P.S.
It's official I received my new license with my new name today. I am my husbands wife. <3

P.P.S.
Enjoy with me...
http://youtu.be/rYEDA3JcQqw

Devastating News, Hopeful Prospects

I went to the doctors today, and was given some unfortunate news. After my check up, my doctor informed me that my uterus is swollen on one side again. Which means this tumor is malignant and that I will need Chemotherapy for the next twelve months and surgery again to remove the mass. I knew that there was a possibility that the cancer would come back. I guess I just hadn't really considered it because I thought I was feeling better.

I'm sorry, but I don't really have anything else to say right now. I feel so disconnected from myself, I'm not even sure what's really going on.

Please keep my family and I in your thoughts, and never lose hope.

Forever and Always,
Bri

What The Future Holds

Today I received some very kind e-mails regarding my blog, and some other writing hobbies of mine that I've taken on, and I just wanted to say thank you so much for all of the kind words. An especial thank you for the motivational e-mail regarding my future. 

I have been out of school now for almost two years and it's been very hard. I've taken some online courses, but the truth is that my educational goals have begun to seem farther and farther out of my reach each day that passes. I loved going to school, I loved what I was going to school for (English Literature). I loved the feeling of accomplishment I got at completing each semester. I miss that feeling. 

Being a mother has been a huge part of my emotional and educational growth over the last two years, and I've loved every part of it. My daughter is such a huge part of who I am, and she has taught me so much. She's even saved my life. And to repay her, I feel that it is my responsibility to be the mother she would want me to be.

Inspiration

I want to set an example for my daughter. I don't just want her to love me, and look up to me just because I'm her mother. I want her to be proud of me. I want her to aspire to any and everything she wants out of life, and to know it's possible because her mother did it too. I want her to live without fear, to live for hope. To know that the future is never scary, but always bright. Because no matter what life hands you; Your life is your own, and you have the power to make it as adventurous and beautiful as your heart desires. 

I want her to know it's all up to her.

I've already completed enough schooling to know that it's not impossible, or even outrageous. It's just a matter of discipline and strength. It's wanting it enough that you'll stop at nothing, let nothing get in your way. That's what I've done over the last two years, made excuses. Been pregnant, had a new born, worked, been ill (LOL). Now there are no more excuses. My daughter has taught me that. 

The future doesn't wait for you to make up your mind. It comes and goes every single day. Before you know it you have a past full of what if's and I bet I could have's. That's not the life for me. That's not the world I want to tell my daughter about, or introduce her to. I want her to know that she has all the possibilities of the universe at her feet, just waiting for to reach out and choose them. I want to teach her it will always be her choice, her life, her choices. And hopefully if I set the right example they will all be good choices. 

So I'm gonna get back on track, and keep moving forward. With the hope that all my efforts will not be for nothing. That life will go on and things will get better. We will get our home, and start our futures. I can be the wife and mother I've always wanted to be. And the educated, intelligent young woman I always knew I would be. So that my daughter can grow up and lead a life that would make her proud, just like her mother did for her. 

Until Then and Always,

Hopeful Mother. Of. Madison.

From Humble Beginnings

I feel a different vibe today then I've felt in a while. I feel like I'm back in story telling mode. But what story is there left to tell? I guess we could go all the way back to before I was born. I can tell you about my father this time. After all, at twenty-three years old I'm still daddy's little girl. 

My father and I this last Easter.

My father was born in upstate New York in 1961, to a beautiful woman named Barbara. His father left immediately after he was born. They never met. His mother remarried and provided my father with five siblings. Raymond, Jaime, Deanna, Jared, and Justin. I don't know much about my father's childhood. He's told me a few stories about all the sports he played, and some of the shenanigans his friends and him would get into. The things I remember the most though are the stories about his step father beating him so badly with a belt that his basketball coach wouldn't let him dress out. Sleeping in a room during the freezing months of winter with a broken window.

He used to tell me stories of when times were hard. His mother would make them pancakes for breakfast and dinner for weeks at a time. Or potatoes. Oh how easily a man could sick of potatoes. He used to run through the neighboring fields of the farmers and steal corn off the stalks when he was hungry. He'd sneak out at night then come home and boil a dozen of them and eat them all. These are the stories of his childhood I know best.

I know that by the time he turned eighteen and was off to join the navy, his sister Deanna was the youngest and last of his siblings to be born before he left. My father was stationed in San Diego shortly after he joined. He served his four years, and then went on to work a series of odd jobs. My father has always been a great cook, and he worked in several restaurants in his younger years. That is how he met my mother, Dana. She was a waitress. Neither one of my parents have given me insight into the beginning years of there relationship. All I know is that one night, my parents decided they wanted to make a baby. Nine moths later, I was born. 

Now you may think that from here the story will become about me, but that is not case. My father and mother split up shortly after I was born. Then due to my mothers drug habits and my fathers instability, I was placed into foster care. My father was unable to find a sturdy job. Which also affected his ability to find a suitable home. He worked as many odd jobs as he could find, mostly things like painting houses or apartments. 

He owned a green station wagon at the time, which he lived out of while he was trying to make due. Once my father had gotten situated and had proven that he had a safe place for us to stay, social services called him and told him that he could come get me from the facility where I had been staying. (Apparently I wasn't well liked by any of my foster parents and was moved around quite a bit.)

My father has told me this story time and time again, I'm sure I wont be able to capture the frustration, and urgency as well as he does. But it's a worth the try. My father arrived at the facility and they told him that I wasn't ready yet that he would have to wait.My father said he could see me through the thick pained glass talking to social workers. Finally a woman came out to speak to my father. She told him that there had been a mistake and that he wouldn't be able to take me home that day. My father was livid. After the woman left he demanded to see me. They denied him, so he started pounding on the glass, and demanding to speak to somebody. My father was so upset, the glass started to shake and crack. 

The woman finally brought me out to my father. Who then left in a hurry to get me home. He said he didn't want to hang around and risk them trying to take me away again. I was to young to remember any of this. But I do have some memories of the life we lived together after this, before he remarried. I remember some of the apartments we lived in, in El Cajon, and La Mesa. I vaguely remember his ex-wife Teresa, whom he was married to for a year. She was my mother for all intensive purposes during that time. She taught me my colors, potty trained me. She was a very kind women. Her mother Rose stayed my Grandma rose through out my life. Despite there separation when I was a little over three. Teresa had a heart attack and thirty-five and passed away.

I remember the pre school I went to across the street from one of our apartments. I mostly remember the good times, when things were easy. When it was just me and my dad. I know he had girlfriends that didn't work out. And I know that there were times when things were hard. When we had to sleep in his green station wagon, and lived off of forty two cent Tuesday Mc Donald's cheeseburgers. But my father was a good man, doing the very best he could do. 

A few years back, before I was even born. When my father had been working as a cook for Marie Calendars, he met a women named Shelley Allen. They had stayed friends throughout the years. She even baby sat me for my father when he worked. When she found out that we were living out of my fathers car, she offered to put a roof over my head while my father found better work. 

Eventually my father moved in as well, no funny business. They were just friends and Shelley was helping out a friend in need. Eventually though, things changed and they started dating. My father and I lived with them for a few years, and when I was eight years old they got married. My father has worked hard his entire life. Sacrificing his own time, money, health, and I suspect love to make sure I was happy. To provide me with the life that he never had. To make sure I never went with out. 

To this day I still don't think I can grasp the full gravity of the sacrifices that he made for me. But now that I have a daughter, I like to think I can relate in some small way. I like to believe that if I were ever in his position I would make the same sacrifices for Madison. Some of which I already know I have. Because I love her more than anything in the world. I love her like my father loved me. His baby girl. 

Forever and Always,

Hopeful Mother. Of. Madison.

Tired Mommy Needs a Break

Good Evening folks, Today has been an incredibly long day. Last night was even longer. Mommy needs a break.

So tonight all I have to say is, Let's stay HOPEFUL!

Let's not forget that the reason...

My husband literally just called me to tell me that the clutch went out on our car.

GGGGRRRRRRRR........

Now I really need the favor I was going to ask you all for. Please stay HOPEFUL. Please help me keep positive and keep the feeling of victory alive. Right now we need it more than ever. We need this June to be the winning month for our family that will pull us out of this desperation, and into a new life.

Until Then and Always,
Hopeful Mother. Of. Madison.

Through a Child's Eyes

Madison and I just finished watching Beauty and the Beast and it reminded me of how easily we accept good things when we are children. We always hoped for the best, and even when something seemed far fetched, as long as it had a happy ending I was willing to believe. I remember I spent a entire summer in elementary school believing that if I wished hard enough I could be chosen to become a super hero, or a princess, anything with magical, or super human abilities really.

Princess, super hero, bad-ass, and she had a B.F that always wears Tuxedos. Win win win.

It wasn't until I got older that I started to believe you shouldn't want things that weren't guaranteed. That bad things were more likely to happen than good. It wasn't until I became an adult that I started thinking the bad things were easier to accept than the good.

The saying 'It's too good to be true.' never even crossed my mind as a child. If something seemed amazing and wonderful, and would bring myself or other people happiness why couldn't it happen? Sure part of this behavior could be contributed to the fact that I was a Disney child. But that doesn't change the fact that as children we believe in all possibilities of the world, in all the good. Somewhere along the way we loose that. We become cynical  Some may say realistic. But realistically speaking, all of the dreams we let go of as adults, aren't impossible. We were just too afraid to put our selves out there and go for it.

One of my biggest goals in life will be too assure Madison that she is wonderful, and amazing, and she can have whatever she is willing to work for.

Madison already loves to dace, I wonder if she will stick with it. <3

Hopefully that point will be easy to instill in her because her father and I will be happy, comfortable and dedicating more time to the growth and accomplishments of our daughter, then stressing about paying the bills, or making due.

Hopefully come June we will have a home. In a beautiful community where we can raise our daughter with all of these important life lessons, and many more.

Until Then and Always,
Hopeful Mother. Of. Madison.

A Real Kind Of Hope

Today was another testament to the stresses and hardships a young family will face along the road to fulfillment. But I couldn't be prouder of the outcome. I know that no matter what my family is faced with we will rise above, and overcome. Whether it be disease or financial hardship. We will make it through.

Nobody is perfect, and me and my husband have both certainly made mistakes in our lives. But one thing that we can do in our sleep. is be parents. We love our daughter more than anything in the world. And I know that we will always put her before ourselves. That no matter what happens, her happiness and growth are the most important things to us.

That giving her the things both of us were denied in our childhood, is more important to us than anything. Because Everett and I were lucky enough to find each other. To find people that love each other, and that know without a doubt in our hearts that we will always be there for each other. So the obvious next accomplishment in our lives, will be to give our daughter all the love, and acceptance we have in our hearts. To assure she is happy and loved.

Providing her with a safe and secure place to grow and expand upon these feelings is so important to the both of us. I know I must sound like a broken record by now. But the reasoning behind my utter confidence is nothing but truth. My daughter is the deserving party here, not me, not my husband. Madison. She is a sweet innocent child. Who has saved both of her parents lives time and time again. She deserves the most amazing childhood.

Madison's future room.

This is the place my heart see's her growing up in. This is the room I see my daughter dancing in, playing with he Barbie dolls in. Having sleep overs with the neighbor children.

A different view.

These are the steps I imagine my daughter playing hopscotch on. The stone steps I can see riddled with her chalk artwork. 

Such a sweet little room.

This is the room I can picture my daughter cleaning up for bed in. Brushing her teeth. Taking bubble bathes. Asking me to help her brush out her hair. Or perhaps braid it. 

All of these things are nothing but dreams and hopes now. But soon they will be realities. It will be the life my husband, daughter and I are living each and every day. And I will at last be satisfied that I am giving my daughter the life that she truly deserves. 

Until Then and Always,

Hopeful Mother. Of. Madison.

Once Upon A Time...

A fairy tale ending. Every girls dream. I have the husband, I have the baby, now all we need is the castle in which we will reside.

Spirit Castle. Where princess Madison will grow up.

Kind of looks like a castle at night...a modern castle? Hahaha

I'm all Disney'd out today. Not only have my daughter and I been watching Disney movies, but in between and afterwards we were listening to Disney songs. 

Mommy then however made the mistake of picking out a horror movie about a demon baby to watch while Madison was napping. Do not ever watch It's Alive...Or Gracie. For the love of god,  I only further scarred myself. 

Seriously Scarred me for life...

So why I was then willing to watch this...

I swear to you, I will never know.

There's something about horror movies though. You know that they're not real, and for some reason all the terrible things that happen sort of just make you feel better about your life, Because none of them are happening to me, and the more supernatural you get, the easier it is to separate fiction from reality.

I love horror movies, but now that I am a mother there are just some things I can't handle. Like demon babies, or kidnappings, rapes, torture. Do you see a theme here? Do you understand how many horror movies that cuts out for me.

But..being a mother, I understand why I feel that way. It's one thing to have no self preservation. I can not however ignore the fact that if anything even remotely evil or harmful touched my daughter, I would lose it. 

I also am now hypocritical in the since that, as a child I started watching horror movies as early back as I can remember. My daughter however will not be subjected to these things until see's old enough to understand it for what it is, and decide if she even wants to fill her brain with those images. There are just some things you can't  unsee.

Speaking of which, let's move on to more positive outlooks. Like today, I went to the DMV to apply for my new DL with my new married name on it. I can not wait to have a picture I.D. with my new name on it. I haven't really felt like we were married, a real husband wife yet. What with all the stress we've had in our lives lately. But seeing that picture of me, with his name under it. It will feel official. More official to me.

Then hopefully the next step, us getting a home together. Will be the final. We will finally be able to feel like a real married couple, and a happy safe little family. Where mommy can curl up in daddies arms, in there own room where Madi can't see, and watch the few scary movies left that in the world, that I can stand to watch. 

Until Then and Always,
Hopeful Mother. Of. Madison.

Music Makes The World Go Round

Optimism. Nothing helps me stay optimistic like music.

Pessimism. Nothing can bring you down quite like music.

I'm not really sure why it effects people so much. But one Song, one really amazing song can completely alter your mood intensely. Can bring you out of one mind set, and straight into another. I'm usually grateful for this escape from whatever is haunting me, but lately it's not the distraction I'm looking for. 

As I mentioned yesterday, Defying Gravity has been a big help in keeping my spirits and hopes high. But the days are long, and the weeks are even longer. I still have no doubt that my family will be happily situated in our new home come late June. But what am I supposed to until then. 

It's almost becoming depressing to go to bed every night. To look around and feel stuck. To feel like this is all there will ever be.

But then I remember that as long as I have my little family, my sweet amazing husband, and my beautiful daughter  nothing else matters. Because it would mean nothing without them.

This little angel

and this room.

Are the reasons for all of my hopes and dreams. So no matter how stressed I get, or how bad my brain hurts. This is what's important. This is what really matters.

So I apologize if I don't seem coherent lately. If you aren't finding entertainment in my words. I don't mean to be boring you. But the reality of life is that it's not easy. And it's not always happy, or entertaining. It's hard work. It's off putting, and sometimes it fucking sucks the life right out of you.

And the little bit of it I have left lately is going to this...

To our future.

To my daughter. To my responsibilities. To the life I'm living now.

Because soon my future will be the present, and then the past. And my past could use some happiness. 

Until Then and Always,

Hopeful Mother. Of. Madison.

Dedicated To Dana Suzanne Littlefield

I love you, your daughter needs you, and misses you very much. 

Love, Bri

Broken Brain

Today is one of those days when I really wish the master bathroom had a bathtub!

you have to love the beautiful coloring!

Oh who am I kidding. Us ladies need a tub. Sure there's a tub in the guest bathroom for me to give Madi bathes in. But where's mommies place to relax? I'll just have to make due with one of the other gorgeous rooms in the house. Perhaps I'll take time to breath in the walk-in closet. Especially after I fill it with lots, and lots of shoes. 

It's back there...

To be completely honest. My brain has been fried all week. I've had so much going on in my life outside of my hopes and dreams, the things that I really want in life that when I try to focus on them. My brain hurts. Migraine medication can only do so much when you're thinking for three people. 

I can't wait to have the stress lifted off my shoulders in one instance of our stressful lives. Nothing stresses out a mother more, then whether or not her child is going to go with out, in any capacity. 

And what's the worse thing a child can go without? A home. So many things are strongly integrated into a child's mind at an early age when they have a safe, secure, loving home to grow up in. My daughter deserves the best that there is in the world. 

My biggest fear is not being able to give her everything that she needs. Everything that I never had. And even some of the things I did. 

I don't really know what to say from here. My brain is mush, and all this talk about the things I may not ever be able to give my daughter is turning my week from bad to worse. 

All I know is that this house is for us, and my family will finally have at least this semblance of normalcy. This security. I owe her that much after everything she has given to me. I love her more than anything. 

I don't know if any of you have ever seen Wicked. But my anthem for this week, and for the rest of my daughters life, is Defying Gravity. 

Something has changed within me 
Something is not the same 
I'm through with playing by the rules 
Of someone else's game 
Too late for second-guessing 
Too late to go back to sleep 
It's time to trust my instincts 
Close my eyes: and leap! 

It's time to try 
Defying gravity 
I think I'll try 
Defying gravity 
And you can't pull me down! 

Until Then And Always,

Hopeful Mother. Of. Madison.

A Dream Is A Wish Your Heart Makes

Oh the day I've had. First my poor daughter wakes up and does nothing but stare at the television for three hours. At first I didn't think anything was wrong. I was making breakfast and my husband was still asleep, I thought she was just tired. Maybe even bored. Kids these days. Besides Disney Channel morning programming always hooks her in. But when I went over to pick her up she was burning up. Poor baby has had a fever of 101.1-102.7 for the better part of the day. She's cooled down, and was feeling better by the time we got her to bed. But it's stressful none the less.

No mother likes to see her baby suffering. A mother suffers along side her children.

Now that I can actually think about something other than my making sure my beautiful baby girl is healthy and happy. It's time to share with you my other thoughts.

Belief. The last couple of days I've been having an internal battle about the differences between hope, and belief. I realized that although I am hoping with every fiber of my being that my wonderful little family will win our green home, I didn't know if I've actually been believing that Hope will be enough.

I realized that there can't be hope without belief. Or faith. That's what I need to have right now, enough Hope, and Faith in my heart that we are good enough. That the universe see's what I see. A wonderful, happy little family. Who haven't always seen the easiest of days, or been able to see a clear bright future without illness or suffering. A family who's ready to take the next step.

Every morning when I wake up I can't help but imagine a different scene. I can see it so clearly in my mind when  I go to sleep every night. It's almost off putting when I wake up in my same bed, in our little room every morning. But then I walk over to my daughters crib, and remember that's it all in good time. That there's something more meant for her. She's so amazing , and so strong. She doesn't even know it yet.

She can't quite comprehend how important to me she is. How many times she's saved my life. How many times she's taught me how to love, and forgive. Again and again my sweet bundle of joy teaches me what it means to live.

I swear with every fiber in my being that she will know these things. That she will know how amazing she is, and that without her our little family wouldn't exist. That without her, this dream would never have a chance of becoming a reality.

My husband and I fall asleep every night with images of open spaces, with rocky mountain views. Plush moss carpeting, and Organic bedding. Natural wood fixtures, and industrial accents. The things that have made us fall in love with the Master Bedroom of our future home.

SO very us!

The place where soon we will be sharing new dreams. Planning new futures, and hopefully where we will be growing blissfully old and more in love each day together.

The natural wood headboard makes me feel like I'd me camping year round. 

A place to finally call our own. Where we can shut ourselves away for brief instances. To really feel like a married couple. 

I can't wait to snuggle with my little family in this big bed. <3

A place where our daughter can come knocking on the door. Wanting to snuggle with her parents in the early hours of the morning. Or maybe late at night during a loud snow storm. Whatever her little heart desires. 

I just want to start feeling like a real family, I fee like we are in limbo, with all these uncertainties hanging over our heads. It's time we had some security. Some semblance of normalcy. If not for my husband and I, at least for our wonderful baby girl. It's time she had a home. A place for her family to really BE together. It's time.

Until Then and Always,

Hopeful Mother. Of. Madison.

Happy Easter!

Today was my daughters second easter! We had such a good time with her today. When we first got to our Aunt's house, Madison was immediately drawn to all the Easter eggs laying around. We tried to tell her we had to wait until the egg hunt, but trying to tell a 17 month old that she can't pick up toys, especially ones that are just laying around. That doesn't go over very well.

She was trying to look shy...She is anything but.

My husband and I really enjoyed watching her play today. It's always fun to watch her interact with her cousins, and other kids in general. She is an only child, and unfortunately forever will be, so it's important to us that she gets plenty of interaction with other children.

Of course after an hour of trying to get her to leave the "hidden" easter eggs alone, it was finally time for the egg hunt. All the kids were reared up and ready to hunt...except my daughter, whom at that moment discovered her new favorite thing.

She played in this thing almost the WHOLE time after she discovered it!

It was a wonderful day...but again I couldn't make it through the day without thinking about our future home! I couldn't help but think about how awesome it would be to celebrate in our own home next year. To be able to wake up in the morning and tell my daughter the Easter bunny had come, and race down stairs with her to see eggs 'hidden' all around the yard, and Easter baskets for the family on the dining room table! 

The backyard is beautiful, and perfect for an Egg hunt!

(I don't even want to talk to you about other holidays yet. Halloween and Christmas could probably take up entire weeks of my blog. We 'll get around to it. LOL)

I love the clean lines, and organic colors and textures outside of the house. It is definitely a space that is very me. I especially love the plants they chose. My favorite are the English Oak trees, they're like a little piece of fall that I can keep all year round. 

Beautiful!

My absolute favorite part of the entire area though is this...

I love Hammocks!

It's a cozy little spot where my daughter and I can lay out at night to stare at the stars, or read bed time stories to one another. It's a place where my husband and I can cuddle up together after a long day, and just enjoy a warm summer night. Or even a place for mommy to curl up on her own with a good book and just drift away for a few hours. 

These are the things I thought about the most today, specifically while holding my beautiful baby girl. 

She is too adorable for her own good!

Whenever I think about our future, I can't help but see us in this amazing home. Or my daughter sleeping in that beautiful little girl room. Making dinner for my husband and I on that gorgeous island. Being a family together in our own little space, in our own home.

Until Then and Always,

Hopeful Mother. Of. Madison

The Way to a Women's Heart, is With a Bottle of Wine!

I need to apologize to my readers tonight. Yesterday was not exactly conducive for my usual writing style, so I took a short cut. I cheated. I got technical and to the point. I was dishonest.  If I had been honest with you at all yesterday I would not have written about the dining room or the light fixtures.

I would have talked to you about friendship and love. Because those where the matters on my mind yesterday. One of my dearest friends, my Buffalo, was heart broken yesterday. And the incident that caused her to become disgruntled, literally took place ten minutes before I had started to write my blog. I felt terrible, and disconnected. I didn't feel comfortable writing about my feelings yesterday, so I lied.

I feel awful about it, because this is supposed to be about my hopes, and dreams. Those yesterday and today are different from what I shared with you. So tonight, it's all about the truth.

Heartache is becoming more and more alien to me. I love my husband, and I know he returns that love. I love my daughter, and the blood bonds we have are already so thick I know I could never love anything as much as I love her. My little but whole family has cured me of many of my past wounds, and heart related imperfections.

But that doesn't mean that I am immune to the effects that heartache and disappointed have on my friends, and the people dearest to me. Through my past alone, and I can find reasons to relate. Although I try very hard not to. I I know that no one is perfect, and unfortunately some times the things you want in life more than anything, aren't the things you need, and aren't the things you get. 

That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt, and it definitely doesn't mean you no longer want these things that have already found a place in your heart. Like this beautiful home.

I'll give you one guess as to the part of the house I'm yearning to inhabit tonight!

My thoughts tonight are on one thing, and one alone. Poring myself, and my best friends a glass of wine in the back patio of our home. Comforting each other. Learning from each other, and best of all, growing old together.

Wine glasses...? Hmmm, they knew we were coming.

I just want a place that I can not only call my own, but I can share it with my family and friends. A space that can be ours, to feel safe and welcome in. A place where my buffalo can come for a vacation, leave the troubles of home behind. Feel happy, and comfortable. I want it so badly, I can taste it. Do you want to know what it tastes like...Victory. And it's so very sweet!

So from the moment I move in, I promise to keep my fridge stocked with milk, and eggs. My daughters two favorite things. The cabinets stocked with Cinnamon toast crunch, and Lucky charms. My husbands favorite cereals. And my cellar stocked with wine, for my lovelies no matter when they decided to drop in. Or may just need a friend and a glass. Or a bottle. 

Our favorite right now!

So this blog, as you can tell is not just dedicating to my loving husband, as always, or my wonderful, amazing baby girl. But one of my best friends. My buffalo.

Buffalo and I.

My family may be everything to me but, "Friends are the Family you choose for yourself." 

I can not wait to have the security and comfort of a home of our own. A place to grow old together in. To finally be a married couple, with a daughter. A little happy family. But I will always have an open seat on our back porch, and an empty bed down the hall. 

Until Then and Always,

Hopeful Mother. Of. Madison.