A Bright Future Fueled by the Darkness of Our Past

I don't really ever want to revisit the past, but I decided that I want my readers to know me. There's not much to who I am that doesn't include my family, but there are things about me that you should know, because they have made me who am I, and directly impact the decisions I make every day for myself and my family.

As I'm sure you've discovered by now, She is the reason for everything.

But believe it or not, my acceptance of becoming a mother was not as easy and happily perceived as it should have been. Do not misunderstand, I couldn't love my daughter more from the second she was born. It was myself that I feared, and didn't know if I loved enough to be for my daughter the mother I wanted to be. The mother I never had. 

My birth mother and father separated shortly after I was born. I spent the first two years of my life in foster care. My father eventually got custody of me, because my mother was deemed unfit, due to her drug habits. 

My father remarried to a kind women with two children of her own when I was eight years old.

My step mother and I have a wonderful friendship now. But it was rocky for most of my childhood, and especially my teen years. My father and I have always been close. I was definitely referred to as a daddies girl for most of my life. I know my father still thinks of me as such. He is a very generous and hard working man. I have always aspired to be as kind, and as selfless as my father. (I married a man with those same traits, but maybe even a little bit more wonderful. I couldn't be a luckier women.)

I kept in contact with my birth mother, and at the age of twelve was even able to fly up to Monterey, Ca where she lived, for a few weeks each summer. I loved her very much. I knew about many of her bad life choices, and as I got older she became even more honest with me. We were able to discuss the reasons for her behavior, and more importantly the triggers.

Blurry, but one of the only photos I have.

She was a beautiful women. She had three other children besides myself. We try to stay in touch, but live in different counties. She loved all of us deeply. We often visited her during the same weeks out of the summer, nothing made her happier then having all of her children together.

Unfortunately there are some things we cant account for, some things you just can't see coming. In October of '08, Dana Suzanne Littlefield took her own life. From her own pain, suffering, but most devastating, from her children.

I miss her every single day. The loss of my mother solidified a thought deep inside of me that I never thought I'd believe. To survive you must be selfish. To live you must be alone.

My husband Everett and I began dating shortly after the loss of my mother. I will only admit now that he meant more to me than then just a comfort mechanism. Because shortly after that I became pregnant with our beautiful daughter Madison.

My love

It was like a blessing and a curse. I couldn't be happy without thinking about the loss of my mother, and loss of my daughters grandmother whom she would never know. I feared for my mental state of mind, as well as the future of my daughters.

Then she was born...

3:40 pm, Nov. 11, 2009

Looking upon my newborn daughter for the first time, shook me even deeper then the death of my mother. I knew that her life meant more to my existence then anything else. That the love I had for her father, and the life we created was all that mattered in the world, was all that I needed to be happy. To live. 

My daughter has saved my life twice so far, with her existence alone. She pulled me out of my grief and delusions, and she gave me the push I needed and still require to overcome Uterine Cancer, and other health defects we've been faced with over the last six months. Nothing will stand in the way of the love I have for my daughter. For my family.

NOTHING will stop me from doing everything in my power to repay my daughter for the lives she's given back to me again and again. 

This sweepstakes may seem like a silly stunt, or an impossible dream, but whatever it really is doesn't matter. All that matters is that my daughter, my husband, and I end up living the life that they both so rightly deserve, and whether or not I deserve said life, they love me and want me around. So it looks like we're gonna be in this together. 

It seems to me, that the Universe needs to take a look back, and dish out the Kudos where they are so painstakingly needed. Close to the heart. 

Until Then and Always,

Hopeful Mother. Of. Madison.