Through a Child's Eyes

Madison and I just finished watching Beauty and the Beast and it reminded me of how easily we accept good things when we are children. We always hoped for the best, and even when something seemed far fetched, as long as it had a happy ending I was willing to believe. I remember I spent a entire summer in elementary school believing that if I wished hard enough I could be chosen to become a super hero, or a princess, anything with magical, or super human abilities really.

Princess, super hero, bad-ass, and she had a B.F that always wears Tuxedos. Win win win.

It wasn't until I got older that I started to believe you shouldn't want things that weren't guaranteed. That bad things were more likely to happen than good. It wasn't until I became an adult that I started thinking the bad things were easier to accept than the good.

The saying 'It's too good to be true.' never even crossed my mind as a child. If something seemed amazing and wonderful, and would bring myself or other people happiness why couldn't it happen? Sure part of this behavior could be contributed to the fact that I was a Disney child. But that doesn't change the fact that as children we believe in all possibilities of the world, in all the good. Somewhere along the way we loose that. We become cynical  Some may say realistic. But realistically speaking, all of the dreams we let go of as adults, aren't impossible. We were just too afraid to put our selves out there and go for it.

One of my biggest goals in life will be too assure Madison that she is wonderful, and amazing, and she can have whatever she is willing to work for.

Madison already loves to dace, I wonder if she will stick with it. <3

Hopefully that point will be easy to instill in her because her father and I will be happy, comfortable and dedicating more time to the growth and accomplishments of our daughter, then stressing about paying the bills, or making due.

Hopefully come June we will have a home. In a beautiful community where we can raise our daughter with all of these important life lessons, and many more.

Until Then and Always,
Hopeful Mother. Of. Madison.

A Real Kind Of Hope

Today was another testament to the stresses and hardships a young family will face along the road to fulfillment. But I couldn't be prouder of the outcome. I know that no matter what my family is faced with we will rise above, and overcome. Whether it be disease or financial hardship. We will make it through.

Nobody is perfect, and me and my husband have both certainly made mistakes in our lives. But one thing that we can do in our sleep. is be parents. We love our daughter more than anything in the world. And I know that we will always put her before ourselves. That no matter what happens, her happiness and growth are the most important things to us.

That giving her the things both of us were denied in our childhood, is more important to us than anything. Because Everett and I were lucky enough to find each other. To find people that love each other, and that know without a doubt in our hearts that we will always be there for each other. So the obvious next accomplishment in our lives, will be to give our daughter all the love, and acceptance we have in our hearts. To assure she is happy and loved.

Providing her with a safe and secure place to grow and expand upon these feelings is so important to the both of us. I know I must sound like a broken record by now. But the reasoning behind my utter confidence is nothing but truth. My daughter is the deserving party here, not me, not my husband. Madison. She is a sweet innocent child. Who has saved both of her parents lives time and time again. She deserves the most amazing childhood.

Madison's future room.

This is the place my heart see's her growing up in. This is the room I see my daughter dancing in, playing with he Barbie dolls in. Having sleep overs with the neighbor children.

A different view.

These are the steps I imagine my daughter playing hopscotch on. The stone steps I can see riddled with her chalk artwork. 

Such a sweet little room.

This is the room I can picture my daughter cleaning up for bed in. Brushing her teeth. Taking bubble bathes. Asking me to help her brush out her hair. Or perhaps braid it. 

All of these things are nothing but dreams and hopes now. But soon they will be realities. It will be the life my husband, daughter and I are living each and every day. And I will at last be satisfied that I am giving my daughter the life that she truly deserves. 

Until Then and Always,

Hopeful Mother. Of. Madison.

Once Upon A Time...

A fairy tale ending. Every girls dream. I have the husband, I have the baby, now all we need is the castle in which we will reside.

Spirit Castle. Where princess Madison will grow up.

Kind of looks like a castle at night...a modern castle? Hahaha

I'm all Disney'd out today. Not only have my daughter and I been watching Disney movies, but in between and afterwards we were listening to Disney songs. 

Mommy then however made the mistake of picking out a horror movie about a demon baby to watch while Madison was napping. Do not ever watch It's Alive...Or Gracie. For the love of god,  I only further scarred myself. 

Seriously Scarred me for life...

So why I was then willing to watch this...

I swear to you, I will never know.

There's something about horror movies though. You know that they're not real, and for some reason all the terrible things that happen sort of just make you feel better about your life, Because none of them are happening to me, and the more supernatural you get, the easier it is to separate fiction from reality.

I love horror movies, but now that I am a mother there are just some things I can't handle. Like demon babies, or kidnappings, rapes, torture. Do you see a theme here? Do you understand how many horror movies that cuts out for me.

But..being a mother, I understand why I feel that way. It's one thing to have no self preservation. I can not however ignore the fact that if anything even remotely evil or harmful touched my daughter, I would lose it. 

I also am now hypocritical in the since that, as a child I started watching horror movies as early back as I can remember. My daughter however will not be subjected to these things until see's old enough to understand it for what it is, and decide if she even wants to fill her brain with those images. There are just some things you can't  unsee.

Speaking of which, let's move on to more positive outlooks. Like today, I went to the DMV to apply for my new DL with my new married name on it. I can not wait to have a picture I.D. with my new name on it. I haven't really felt like we were married, a real husband wife yet. What with all the stress we've had in our lives lately. But seeing that picture of me, with his name under it. It will feel official. More official to me.

Then hopefully the next step, us getting a home together. Will be the final. We will finally be able to feel like a real married couple, and a happy safe little family. Where mommy can curl up in daddies arms, in there own room where Madi can't see, and watch the few scary movies left that in the world, that I can stand to watch. 

Until Then and Always,
Hopeful Mother. Of. Madison.

Music Makes The World Go Round

Optimism. Nothing helps me stay optimistic like music.

Pessimism. Nothing can bring you down quite like music.

I'm not really sure why it effects people so much. But one Song, one really amazing song can completely alter your mood intensely. Can bring you out of one mind set, and straight into another. I'm usually grateful for this escape from whatever is haunting me, but lately it's not the distraction I'm looking for. 

As I mentioned yesterday, Defying Gravity has been a big help in keeping my spirits and hopes high. But the days are long, and the weeks are even longer. I still have no doubt that my family will be happily situated in our new home come late June. But what am I supposed to until then. 

It's almost becoming depressing to go to bed every night. To look around and feel stuck. To feel like this is all there will ever be.

But then I remember that as long as I have my little family, my sweet amazing husband, and my beautiful daughter  nothing else matters. Because it would mean nothing without them.

This little angel

and this room.

Are the reasons for all of my hopes and dreams. So no matter how stressed I get, or how bad my brain hurts. This is what's important. This is what really matters.

So I apologize if I don't seem coherent lately. If you aren't finding entertainment in my words. I don't mean to be boring you. But the reality of life is that it's not easy. And it's not always happy, or entertaining. It's hard work. It's off putting, and sometimes it fucking sucks the life right out of you.

And the little bit of it I have left lately is going to this...

To our future.

To my daughter. To my responsibilities. To the life I'm living now.

Because soon my future will be the present, and then the past. And my past could use some happiness. 

Until Then and Always,

Hopeful Mother. Of. Madison.

Dedicated To Dana Suzanne Littlefield

I love you, your daughter needs you, and misses you very much. 

Love, Bri

Broken Brain

Today is one of those days when I really wish the master bathroom had a bathtub!

you have to love the beautiful coloring!

Oh who am I kidding. Us ladies need a tub. Sure there's a tub in the guest bathroom for me to give Madi bathes in. But where's mommies place to relax? I'll just have to make due with one of the other gorgeous rooms in the house. Perhaps I'll take time to breath in the walk-in closet. Especially after I fill it with lots, and lots of shoes. 

It's back there...

To be completely honest. My brain has been fried all week. I've had so much going on in my life outside of my hopes and dreams, the things that I really want in life that when I try to focus on them. My brain hurts. Migraine medication can only do so much when you're thinking for three people. 

I can't wait to have the stress lifted off my shoulders in one instance of our stressful lives. Nothing stresses out a mother more, then whether or not her child is going to go with out, in any capacity. 

And what's the worse thing a child can go without? A home. So many things are strongly integrated into a child's mind at an early age when they have a safe, secure, loving home to grow up in. My daughter deserves the best that there is in the world. 

My biggest fear is not being able to give her everything that she needs. Everything that I never had. And even some of the things I did. 

I don't really know what to say from here. My brain is mush, and all this talk about the things I may not ever be able to give my daughter is turning my week from bad to worse. 

All I know is that this house is for us, and my family will finally have at least this semblance of normalcy. This security. I owe her that much after everything she has given to me. I love her more than anything. 

I don't know if any of you have ever seen Wicked. But my anthem for this week, and for the rest of my daughters life, is Defying Gravity. 

Something has changed within me 
Something is not the same 
I'm through with playing by the rules 
Of someone else's game 
Too late for second-guessing 
Too late to go back to sleep 
It's time to trust my instincts 
Close my eyes: and leap! 

It's time to try 
Defying gravity 
I think I'll try 
Defying gravity 
And you can't pull me down! 

Until Then And Always,

Hopeful Mother. Of. Madison.

A Dream Is A Wish Your Heart Makes

Oh the day I've had. First my poor daughter wakes up and does nothing but stare at the television for three hours. At first I didn't think anything was wrong. I was making breakfast and my husband was still asleep, I thought she was just tired. Maybe even bored. Kids these days. Besides Disney Channel morning programming always hooks her in. But when I went over to pick her up she was burning up. Poor baby has had a fever of 101.1-102.7 for the better part of the day. She's cooled down, and was feeling better by the time we got her to bed. But it's stressful none the less.

No mother likes to see her baby suffering. A mother suffers along side her children.

Now that I can actually think about something other than my making sure my beautiful baby girl is healthy and happy. It's time to share with you my other thoughts.

Belief. The last couple of days I've been having an internal battle about the differences between hope, and belief. I realized that although I am hoping with every fiber of my being that my wonderful little family will win our green home, I didn't know if I've actually been believing that Hope will be enough.

I realized that there can't be hope without belief. Or faith. That's what I need to have right now, enough Hope, and Faith in my heart that we are good enough. That the universe see's what I see. A wonderful, happy little family. Who haven't always seen the easiest of days, or been able to see a clear bright future without illness or suffering. A family who's ready to take the next step.

Every morning when I wake up I can't help but imagine a different scene. I can see it so clearly in my mind when  I go to sleep every night. It's almost off putting when I wake up in my same bed, in our little room every morning. But then I walk over to my daughters crib, and remember that's it all in good time. That there's something more meant for her. She's so amazing , and so strong. She doesn't even know it yet.

She can't quite comprehend how important to me she is. How many times she's saved my life. How many times she's taught me how to love, and forgive. Again and again my sweet bundle of joy teaches me what it means to live.

I swear with every fiber in my being that she will know these things. That she will know how amazing she is, and that without her our little family wouldn't exist. That without her, this dream would never have a chance of becoming a reality.

My husband and I fall asleep every night with images of open spaces, with rocky mountain views. Plush moss carpeting, and Organic bedding. Natural wood fixtures, and industrial accents. The things that have made us fall in love with the Master Bedroom of our future home.

SO very us!

The place where soon we will be sharing new dreams. Planning new futures, and hopefully where we will be growing blissfully old and more in love each day together.

The natural wood headboard makes me feel like I'd me camping year round. 

A place to finally call our own. Where we can shut ourselves away for brief instances. To really feel like a married couple. 

I can't wait to snuggle with my little family in this big bed. <3

A place where our daughter can come knocking on the door. Wanting to snuggle with her parents in the early hours of the morning. Or maybe late at night during a loud snow storm. Whatever her little heart desires. 

I just want to start feeling like a real family, I fee like we are in limbo, with all these uncertainties hanging over our heads. It's time we had some security. Some semblance of normalcy. If not for my husband and I, at least for our wonderful baby girl. It's time she had a home. A place for her family to really BE together. It's time.

Until Then and Always,

Hopeful Mother. Of. Madison.

Happy Easter!

Today was my daughters second easter! We had such a good time with her today. When we first got to our Aunt's house, Madison was immediately drawn to all the Easter eggs laying around. We tried to tell her we had to wait until the egg hunt, but trying to tell a 17 month old that she can't pick up toys, especially ones that are just laying around. That doesn't go over very well.

She was trying to look shy...She is anything but.

My husband and I really enjoyed watching her play today. It's always fun to watch her interact with her cousins, and other kids in general. She is an only child, and unfortunately forever will be, so it's important to us that she gets plenty of interaction with other children.

Of course after an hour of trying to get her to leave the "hidden" easter eggs alone, it was finally time for the egg hunt. All the kids were reared up and ready to hunt...except my daughter, whom at that moment discovered her new favorite thing.

She played in this thing almost the WHOLE time after she discovered it!

It was a wonderful day...but again I couldn't make it through the day without thinking about our future home! I couldn't help but think about how awesome it would be to celebrate in our own home next year. To be able to wake up in the morning and tell my daughter the Easter bunny had come, and race down stairs with her to see eggs 'hidden' all around the yard, and Easter baskets for the family on the dining room table! 

The backyard is beautiful, and perfect for an Egg hunt!

(I don't even want to talk to you about other holidays yet. Halloween and Christmas could probably take up entire weeks of my blog. We 'll get around to it. LOL)

I love the clean lines, and organic colors and textures outside of the house. It is definitely a space that is very me. I especially love the plants they chose. My favorite are the English Oak trees, they're like a little piece of fall that I can keep all year round. 

Beautiful!

My absolute favorite part of the entire area though is this...

I love Hammocks!

It's a cozy little spot where my daughter and I can lay out at night to stare at the stars, or read bed time stories to one another. It's a place where my husband and I can cuddle up together after a long day, and just enjoy a warm summer night. Or even a place for mommy to curl up on her own with a good book and just drift away for a few hours. 

These are the things I thought about the most today, specifically while holding my beautiful baby girl. 

She is too adorable for her own good!

Whenever I think about our future, I can't help but see us in this amazing home. Or my daughter sleeping in that beautiful little girl room. Making dinner for my husband and I on that gorgeous island. Being a family together in our own little space, in our own home.

Until Then and Always,

Hopeful Mother. Of. Madison

The Way to a Women's Heart, is With a Bottle of Wine!

I need to apologize to my readers tonight. Yesterday was not exactly conducive for my usual writing style, so I took a short cut. I cheated. I got technical and to the point. I was dishonest.  If I had been honest with you at all yesterday I would not have written about the dining room or the light fixtures.

I would have talked to you about friendship and love. Because those where the matters on my mind yesterday. One of my dearest friends, my Buffalo, was heart broken yesterday. And the incident that caused her to become disgruntled, literally took place ten minutes before I had started to write my blog. I felt terrible, and disconnected. I didn't feel comfortable writing about my feelings yesterday, so I lied.

I feel awful about it, because this is supposed to be about my hopes, and dreams. Those yesterday and today are different from what I shared with you. So tonight, it's all about the truth.

Heartache is becoming more and more alien to me. I love my husband, and I know he returns that love. I love my daughter, and the blood bonds we have are already so thick I know I could never love anything as much as I love her. My little but whole family has cured me of many of my past wounds, and heart related imperfections.

But that doesn't mean that I am immune to the effects that heartache and disappointed have on my friends, and the people dearest to me. Through my past alone, and I can find reasons to relate. Although I try very hard not to. I I know that no one is perfect, and unfortunately some times the things you want in life more than anything, aren't the things you need, and aren't the things you get. 

That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt, and it definitely doesn't mean you no longer want these things that have already found a place in your heart. Like this beautiful home.

I'll give you one guess as to the part of the house I'm yearning to inhabit tonight!

My thoughts tonight are on one thing, and one alone. Poring myself, and my best friends a glass of wine in the back patio of our home. Comforting each other. Learning from each other, and best of all, growing old together.

Wine glasses...? Hmmm, they knew we were coming.

I just want a place that I can not only call my own, but I can share it with my family and friends. A space that can be ours, to feel safe and welcome in. A place where my buffalo can come for a vacation, leave the troubles of home behind. Feel happy, and comfortable. I want it so badly, I can taste it. Do you want to know what it tastes like...Victory. And it's so very sweet!

So from the moment I move in, I promise to keep my fridge stocked with milk, and eggs. My daughters two favorite things. The cabinets stocked with Cinnamon toast crunch, and Lucky charms. My husbands favorite cereals. And my cellar stocked with wine, for my lovelies no matter when they decided to drop in. Or may just need a friend and a glass. Or a bottle. 

Our favorite right now!

So this blog, as you can tell is not just dedicating to my loving husband, as always, or my wonderful, amazing baby girl. But one of my best friends. My buffalo.

Buffalo and I.

My family may be everything to me but, "Friends are the Family you choose for yourself." 

I can not wait to have the security and comfort of a home of our own. A place to grow old together in. To finally be a married couple, with a daughter. A little happy family. But I will always have an open seat on our back porch, and an empty bed down the hall. 

Until Then and Always,

Hopeful Mother. Of. Madison.

The Way to a Man's Heart, Is Through His Stomach

My thoughts for today, are all about the dinning room. I love to cook and bake. And I feel that the space where I'll be presenting these culinary master pieces should be as amazing as they are.

The dinning room, is beautiful, modern, and so not me. It's got plenty of potential though. In fact, I already have the few, but definitely dramatic changes picked out. Here's what we're starting with...

Love what they've given me to start out with. 

I know that for some this is already ideal, but i'm a little more whimsical. I definitely need that in an area where I'll not only be serving my family, but entertaining friends as well. And these changes are fairly simple. Just things to boost the ideal. First, I can't handle the yellow chairs at the end...I have two options, refurbishing them in a different fabric. Which I am open too, or, I found another chair with a little more whimsy..

I love that the finish of this chair is black...

I love that the finish will compliment the black leather side chairs, and the rustic industrial bottom of the table, but the fabric I've chosen will be warm and compliment the table, and the accessories I've decided to add!

This is the fabric for the chair! I love it!

I really want to keep all the open rooms downstairs cohesive, so I really want to incorporate similar colors, and make similar changes. I like how light and open the room is, so I want it to stay light and warm, but with more whimsy. Like the lighting fixture...it has to go. WAY too modern for me, this chandelier however...perfect!

Gorgeous!

Romantic, and vintage, with a darker colored shade to tie in the different hues. I think it would give me just the changes, and over all vibe I'm looking for. I think introducing the plum into this room in the shades would be a simple but dramatic touch. Last but definitely not least...the art work. I think that I should hang something still simple, but less modern...

I love the simple lines, and the beautiful detail!

I would absolutely have to change the frames...but I love the overall effect, and to me modern art is just to impersonal. And this is so much more affectionate to me. I feel like I can tell just by looking at it, that the person who created it was in love with it, or at least the moment that inspired it. It makes me happy.

I like the idea that soon this amazing house will be filled with touches of my own personality as well as my husbands. And of course the most important thing. The photos. Nothing makes a space feel like it's your own then filling it with happy familiar faces. Loved faces. I know that we will miss our friends and family when we move. But I also know that it's more important for our little family to have a life of our own.

To have a home of our own. A home to grow in, to live in, to really become a family in. That's all I really want out of this life. To give my daughter that feeling, that security that children feel when they grow up in a safe loving and inspired home. One where they are supported and loved, and know without a doubt that they will always be protected and welcomed in. 

Unconditional love. That's the greatest thing I can give my daughter. Because I know what it's like to grow up with out it, and to be an adult unsure of my place in the world, or where my heart called home. 

I know that I love my family, so now all I want to do is start showing them. In every way I possibly can. 

Until Then and Always,

Hopeful Mother. Of. Madison.

Girl's Night

Ok, So I've had a few glasses of wine. I'm spending time with my buffalo, and we like-a the wine-a! LOL.
WOW, sorry. Really though, for those of you who actually care, tonight's blog is going to be about...trying to keep my drunken thoughts coherent enough for you to understand.

I've been thinking about my future home a lot today. And a terrible thought keeps crossing my mind. What if I don't win...? AHHHHH. Just kidding. Short nightmare averted. I'm over it!

I know that this is exactly what my sweet little family deserves. This may seem like a bad idea, blogging after a few glasses of wine. But this is what's going on in my life today, and I'm all about the honesty. So today, to be honest, I'm going to share with you what's really been on my mind lately.

Master Suite bitches!

I can't wait to fall asleep in this room with my loving husband after a long day of exploring our home town. I really can see it so clearly. Us being in this home, growing old. Coming home, day after day. That thought helps me get to sleep every night. It gives me beautiful dreams, of the life I've always wanted to live with my wonderful husband. 

My third favorite room!

After the girl's room, and the master suite, this room makes me the happiest. Because I can see with the easiest clarity, my family, and closest friends cuddled up on this couch. Bonding, catching up, and hopefully celebrating. It's up stairs, it's personal, and it feels like the perfect place to bond with friends and family in our new home. 

I know this seems mushy, and probably doesn't have a point. But these are things that are on my mind lately.   The house warming, the invitations. The turning the house into a real home. I want these things more than anything else in the entire world. I want to have something to give to my family that will show them, how much I care. And how much they absolutely mean to me. I have to show you something incredibly adorable now, are you ready? Here it is...

Have you ever seen anything so beautiful?!

I know this blog is all over the place tonight and probably ridiculous, again, mommy has had a lot of wine. But  it doesn't change how much I love my daughter, or the home I am sure that she deserves, as well as all of the things in the world that I never had. 

It doesn't change that I know, without a doubt in my heart, that Madison Paige Spirit is worthy of a wonderful life, and shouldn't have to suffer even an ounce in her life. I wouldn't allow it. And this would make that promise so much easier for her father and my self to keep.

I think I'm starting to ramble here. So I'm gonna leave it at this. I love my family, and I love my daughter more than anything. I want to give her everything she's giving me, and more.

A safe wonderful life in this beautiful community, and green home, will make that dream a reality.

Thanks for all who have stuck with this crazy mother, and her dramatic dreams!

Until Then and Always,

Hopeful Mother. Of. Madison.

All Good Things Come To Those Who Wait

Waiting has always been my greatest enemy. Especially in a situation like this, where I do what little I can every morning, and then knowing that I have to leave the rest up to chance. It's nerve wrecking.

Only 42 more days!

 As some of you may have noticed, that quote at the bottom of my blog, one of my favorites, is Mark Twain, he said "Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first." I always took from these words, that just because you feel entitled to something, doesn't mean you aren't going to have to give up everything that you have, everything that you are, to get it.

Some people have been asking me why I feel that the Universe is indebted to me, and why I think it should just hand me this great prize. Let me make something clear, I don't. That's a big part of the reason I am here everyday,  pouring out my heart and mind. I figure it like this. Entering the sweepstakes is the only logical thing I can do, but just like a high school graduate with a 4.0 and excellent extra curricular activities, you have to 'Wow' them with your acceptance essay.

That's what this really is, my letter to Kismet. I may not be worthy, but I know that I want something, and I'm willing to fight for it, with every outlet I have available to me. If it wasn't for you lovely folks, I'd probably be writing this all down in a Journal somewhere. But here we are, same as everyday. Hoping for the best, expecting the worse. Except me, I'm expecting the best possible outcome. Because I would rather say I went all in and lost nothing, then I held back and possibly lost everything.

I can't look at this picture, and not see the absolute best possible outcome.

It's like someone walked into a waiting room and said "Raise your hand if you're in need." I raised mine, and no one else moved. "So the stranger said, here is you're salvation." When I opened my eyes, here was this house. Ready and waiting. Like it had been waiting for my family all along.

The reality of the matter, is this. Whether or not you believe, you should hope for the best. Because the best will find you, if you go looking for it. Oh, and I forgot to share one great little detail with you kind folks. Did you know that my middle name is...HOPE. 

Brianna Hope Spirit. A hippie name? Sure why not? But my favorite name so far? You bet. I've always had the Brianna Hope part, but Spirit is new. <3

Phew...I feel like I just got done writing a graduation speech. That was a little preachy, even for me. So let's get back to the brass tacts shall we?

The next room on my list for a make over when we move in is....Drum Roll please...*BBBBdddddddddddrrrrrrrrr* The Living Room!

I've decided I have to cool this room down with a color other than yellow. BLEH

I love the textures and fabrics in the living room. The natural stone tables, the beautiful organic, yet modern art pieces. All very nice. But the color scheme is killing me in here. It's all gray's, neutrals, and YELLOW. Which is the color of the sun. My least favorite star, in all of the Universe. So, this is my solution. The yellow is incorporated through out the whole house, but more so in the living room, dinning room, and kitchen. It's a beautiful accent, but I can't live with just those colors. So these are the colors I'm hoping to incorporate into the area's. As well as some textures and pattern's I'm inspired by.

This is a plum that I would love to work in. It is my absolute favorite. 

I loved this pattern, with chartreuse green, and brown. I think this green will compliment the little bit of yellow I'll leave behind. But better meld with the plum's and purples I hope to incorporate.

I love the idea of multi faceted textures. 

A more solid Chartreuse, to replace some of the bold yellows.

A beautiful plum, in a leather for texture, and a modern twist. I love it!

I can't wait to put these ideas into action. I love this house. But it's definitely going to need some personal touches to make it feel like our home. And after all the awesome redecorations, and beautiful additions. It will be our friends and family at our 'House Warming' party, that will really turn that space into a home. 

Until Then And Always,

Hopeful Mother. Of. Madison.

Darkest Before the Dawn

For the LOVE of all that is holy and righteous! It is too early for this. There are still 43 days left in the sweepstakes, I am not ready for it to be getting this dark. Not only is the 'White Demon' acting up again, but it looks like the 'C' word just can't leave me and my family alone. Let me go back to the beginning of my day for you.

My day started like every other day lately, hubby got up and went to work, I spent the majority of the day playing with my daughter or staring at our future home via photos on HGTV.com. My husband and I went to dinner with some dear friends of ours for Taco Tuesday. As we were leaving the restaurant, the 'White Demon' decided she wasn't going to start right away. Luckily my husband got it to start without much trouble...but with the car not passing SMOG last week, and leaking all that gas on me that other night. Things are staring to look a little darker, and we are NOT prepared.

To put the icing on the cake for my own personal stress levels today. My father called me after I woke up from a migraine induced nap, to tell me that my grandmother Jeanie, my deceased mothers mother. Has been diagnosed with cancer, and I need to call her because she is most likely not going to survive the year. Now, you must think me a terrible person that my first thought, was I have no chance of making it past thirty. I've already had cancer, I'm twenty three. My father's mother has had breast cancer twice, and now this. I'm doomed.

I would normally go into great detail here. But I've decided that it isn't my past to tell, so all I'll say is that my mother was a beautiful women who didn't have the easiest childhood, or any childhood for that matter, and that women is to blame. So I'm sorry if I... you know what. No, I'm not sorry that I don't feel worse for her, than I do thinking about the fact that I might one day have to leave my daughter behind, far sooner then any mother should. I will feel bad for the rest of my family, it is hanging on by a very thin, effed up thread as it is. But my sympathy ends there. My mother might still be alive if that women would had been half the mother that I am. And my life hasn't been easier, I could have made all the wrong choices. But it's not about 'you' anymore once you have a baby. It's about that little life that is completely dependent on you. And that is all that matters from that moment on.

From this moment on, NOTHING else mattered.

UGH, I feel like this is all just leading up to something incredible. It HAS to be. IT HAS TO BE! If the universe is not an evil spinster set out to destroy me, then this is what it has in store for my family and I...

Plus a $100,000 cash prize...

How many tragedies does one person have to live through before they're worth something? How many times do I have to be told no, before somebody is going to tell me yes? How hard does a mother have to work to do the right thing before the right thing stops trying to avoid her family like the plague?

My name keeps getting pulled out of the shit lottery hat, and it's time for that to change. I'm not going anywhere without a fight, and I'm going to give my daughter a better start. She's going to grow up, safe, loved, and without any knowledge of the horrors that I've been faced with time and time again. 

A blessing I will NEVER take for granted...

So tonight my blog is a message. A message to the Universe, and to anyone and everyone willing to hope.

This is the end of this life for us. I don't care how hard I have to work, pray, hope, or fight. My daughter is to special to be looked over. My family deserves so much BETTER!

You hear that UNIVERSE?!

So ladies and gentleman, let's overlook all this bullshit, keep hoping for the absolute best. And if we're really lucky, which I know us to be due for a LOT of. By the time I post my blogs after June 2nd, they'll all include a picture of me sitting out on the front porch with my family, a bottle of wine, and smile. Maybe a few tears, as long as they're of happiness. 

That's a future I could get used to.

Until Then And Always,

Hopeful Mother. Of. Madison.

P.S

A special shout out to my buffalo for all the LOVE and support! You're an amazing friend, and that guest room better get some use out of it by YOU! <3

Guest's of Honor!

So if you have seen the layout for the HGTV Green Home, you will know that it only has three bedrooms. Here is the layout for those of you that haven't taken a look on your own...

As you can see, this home is PERFECT for our little family of three. The only room we obviously wont be needing as is, is the little boys room. Which I plan to convert into the guest bedroom. Oh the possibilities... I have lost many hours of sleep about what I would love to do to this room...

Gorgeous flooring!

I absolutely adore the flooring in the bedroom. I love the chair, I love the chest of drawers being in the closet to save space. The only things I'm not thrilled about, are the standard sized bed, and the color on the walls (True Penny: Sherwin-Williams). And the creepy paper elephant thing on the wall above the mirror.

Changing these small things will make all the difference. 

It's important to me to be able to accommodate friends and family when they come up to visit. And considering most are couples. This set up just will not do. I've found a bed by Ethan Allen that I adore for this room, and I think I'll keep the simple bedding style. Here's the Bed...

LOVE THIS!

I feel like changing the bed, and removing the Elephant and other children's items from the room, will change the vibe from little boy, to guest. But I really feel like I need to lighten up the walls. I feel like it will brighten up the room and make it look larger. I was thinking Soft Apricot, it's still in the copper/orange tone, just a few shades lighter.

SW6352

I like the color's and styling of the the bedding, and I will keep the color scheme other wise the same. I love the colors in the mirror above the bed, and may even incorporate one of the brighter colors into the room as well with accessories. Like a brighter blue throw pillow on the chair, I have so many things to think about. I can't wait to actually step into that space and feel it out. 

I especially can't wait to have it all finalized with not just the redecorating, but all the photos and personal touches that will really make this amazing house feel like a home. 

I really want to have some professional family portraits taken. As well as some of just Madison. She is so beautiful and growing up so fast. I really want to capture her now. And every home needs a lifeline, and what better way to capture it then with photos. 

I can't wait to take my daughter sledding for the first time, and bike riding through central park. Completing all these activities with our family will really make the town and the community feel like home as well. I've lived here my whole life. But my daughter is young and it's important that we start to build a home and a future for her now.

I can't wait to show you guys the idea's I have for the dining room, and the living room, I just feel like I need some brighter colors, with more pop, but also more of an emphasis on fall. I feel like we'd be living in summer, and as all of my family and good friends know, that is SO not my season. 

So many things to look forward to, and numerous plans I can not wait to set into motion. Thanks for sticking with me, and getting as pumped for the big day, or at least i like to imagine you all are, as I am! 

Until Then and Always,

Hopeful Mother. Of. Madison.